


Introspective

by memoriesentwined



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gift, I don't know what I'm doing sorry, M/M, Merthur - Freeform, introspective, it'll be fun, longlivetheprat, my strange writing style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-15
Updated: 2014-02-15
Packaged: 2018-01-12 11:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1185642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memoriesentwined/pseuds/memoriesentwined
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabbles about Merlin and Arthur and feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Introspective

**Author's Note:**

  * For [longlivetheprat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/longlivetheprat/gifts).



> HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY LONGLIVETHEPRAT  
> Have this approximately 1000 word mess of feelings and fucked up grammar, of playing fast and loose with canon and syntax and how words work. Thank you for being my friend and ice cream buddy and basically everything. Thanks for being there in APUSH and being there for other things -such as today at lunch. ANYWAY – enjoy this weird mishmash of Merthur feels.

MERLIN - He didn't know what Arthur saw in him. The reasons to love Arthur were many and numerous and easily listed, coming to mind every time he thought his name. Arthur was his sun, his guiding light in times when the magic threatened to swallow all of him and leave just dust behind. Merlin owed him affection and allegiance and gave it gladly. He was royal without being a tyrant, noble without being self-righteous. Arthur didn't see how he inspired loyalty wherever he went. Merlin, two steps behind, could see exactly how those who followed a true moral code were drawn to him, wanted to follow him. Merlin could see the king that Arthur would be one day, glorious and just. He didn't need the magic for that. He could see it in the way he dealt with the cases that his subjects brought him, in the way his eyes sharpened with determination when he led his men into battle, in the way that Arthur had learned from his mistakes, in the way that Arthur had learned to put others before himself, until the whole kingdom was cared for by the king, So Merlin cared for him. He tried to make Arthur as comfortable as possible. He made beds and brought meals and started fires (if he cheated with his magic, no one had to know) and stayed by Arthur's side until the daft man understood that Merlin was there for him. (And if Merlin was there in larger ways, in ways that turned time upside down and refused death and did things quite outside the realm of the possible, they weren't mentioned - except in whispers and sidelong looks, the occasional feeling that Arthur was watching him when he shouldn't be, and that he knew. But Merlin knew that life was imperfect and that someday, he would lose his prince. There would be a plot he didn't uncover, a sorcerer he didn't find first, a poison he didn't neutralize, or a creature he couldn't defeat. There would be something that Merlin wouldn't be able to scramble his way out of, a puzzle he couldn't think his way out of, and then there would be no more Arthur. No Arthur to drag his name out in an unnatural manner, no Arthur to make snide comments about his ears, his clothes, his punctuality. No Arthur to follow into battle, no Arthur to stand by the side of, no Arthur to share a sly look with when Uther brought another lady dressed in what was supposedly the latest fashion. There would be no Arthur. That possibility was something that could not be allowed to come to pass, so Merlin worked. He stayed up later and worked faster and trained harder and just tried to be better. He wasn't sure he succeeded. In the dark times where the light was dimmed and Arthur was injured, when the blood and the dirt turned the gold into a nauseous brown-red, when the magic roared to be let free, for Merlin to let it heal and preserve until Arthur could never be hurt, until all the danger was gone and the kingdom was free from danger. Until the worry line that creased Arthur's brow more and more often of late was banished, fled from Merlin and his wrath and his power. But he couldn't do that. Because then he wouldn't be near Arthur, and the one reward he allowed himself, the one good thing, was Arthur. Was his smile, his hair, his snark, his arrogance that was so often now tempered by a smile and a laugh. So Merlin stayed, and he helped a lot in the little ways, and a little in the large ways and he was happy. As happy as he could let himself be.

 

ARTHUR - Arthur saw something in Merlin he couldn't explain. There was a spark in his smile, in his laugh that forced something to respond in Arthur - a warm feeling that spread, oozing, from his stomach onward. This should feel like a problem, but he can't bring himself to think of it that way. He gets looks from his father, from the nobles, from the less-understanding knights when he talks to Merlin like a friend. Because Merlin is a friend, Merlin is the person Arthur has, would, will turn to when he is lost in the night, when all of his training and tournaments hadn't prepared him for the multitude of problems that seem to crop up nowadays. He doesn't know why Merlin is still here. He could have left long ago and been justified in doing so. Too many days of reckless danger, of Arthur's arrogance would be enough to grate on anyone, wear them down until all they could do is leave - but here he is, still here, still smiling. There's something else about Merlin that Arthur can't quite put his finger on (in reality, he knows what's going on, he just can't admit it to himself - yet). There's a reason Merlin will follow him into battle, there's a reason they always both make it out alive. And yet, Arthur can never prove anything. But it's enough for him to spend time with his manservant who is less and less servant and more and more friend, companion, partner, equal. There aren't enough words to describe Merlin. So Arthur hides his feelings in teasing remarks and insulting complaints, phrases that should cut but don't because Arthur can't help but say them with smiling eyes and a fond tone. He has an unshakable affection for Merlin, a deep, abiding trust that he can't find the source for. Logically, he could say it's from the many adventures they've been on. The ones where they escaped unscathed and returned to the castle, boisterous and laughing, telling jokes and grinning at each other. The ones where they don't, and one of them limps around the castle or the other is far too pale and far too still. Those are the times that Arthur hates the most, when he failed to save Merlin from something that was too much for the big-eared fool, something that Arthur should have protected him from. Sometimes he worries that really Merlin can take of himself. Then he hopes that someday, Merlin will trust him enough to tell him what Arthur suspects is true. He hopes that someday, he will be able to tell the courtiers and the neighboring royals that he isn't going to marry their daughters, and he never will. He hopes that someday, he will ask Merlin to stay with him and Merlin will smile and call him a prat, but say yes. He hopes that someday, all he wishes for will come true and Merlin will be there to share his joy, because Arthur wouldn't have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies if I screwed anything up really badly. I've only watched about a season and a half of Merlin and read a lot of fanfic. But this really was just a gift for my friend.


End file.
